There’s a version of this plan where everything works.
I teach more. I open up my schedule. I take on more students. I build something steady enough to support myself.
But that version requires time.
And time is the one thing I don’t have.
Right now, the job that pays me the most is also the job that takes the most out of me. It’s a sickening loop. It covers my expenses. It keeps everything stable. But it leaves very little room for anything else.
The thing that keeps me alive, is the same thing that kills me.
So I’m stuck in this loop.
The work that could eventually replace my income needs more time and energy.
But the work that currently pays me doesn’t allow for it.
And I can’t just walk away from the higher income—not where I am, not with the cost of living here. That would be irresponsible.
So I prioritize the job that sustains me now.
And in doing that, I limit the thing that could sustain me later.
That’s the tradeoff.
It’s not a lack of discipline. It’s not a lack of effort. It’s just the reality of trying to build something new while still being fully tied to something else.
There are moments where it feels like I’m pushing against something immovable. Like if I could just shift a few more hours, a little more energy, things would start to open up.
But those hours don’t exist. Not yet.
So for now, I work within what I have.
A few classes here. A few openings there. Slow, inconsistent progress that doesn’t look like much from the outside.
Frankly, these days, it doesn’t feel like I’m moving at all. Literally and figuratively. I survive on microwave dinners. The most walking I’ve done was throwing the trash out once a week. And the most “adventure” I’ve had was liquefying pieces that would make the future journey lighter and more secure.
I’d like to think that’s still some kind of progress, but these days, it feels more like… emptiness.
At least it’s still movement, no?
Well, right now, that has to be enough.