I haven’t written in a while, and I think it’s because my life right now is just work, teaching, and trying to feel human in between.
I work night shifts, so my days don’t really feel like days. I work hybrid– in-office/hospital half the time, and at home some days. I save up on gas, but you’re wrong to think I save up on sleep too.
Whether I work onsite or remotely, I’m not always able to sleep properly. Sometimes I get five hours. Sometimes less. I wake up feeling heavy, like my body didn’t fully reset.
Somewhere in between, I teach. I open slots even on work nights. I plan lessons, respond to students, create courses, design my own website, try to stay present. Then there’s everything else– laundry, food, basic things that keep life running.
I used to have the energy to study languages after work. Spanish, Italian, Portuguese. The first to go was Portuguese–my brain just didn’t have enough strength and space to learn the special nasal sounds the language required. Next was Italian– I antagonized my Italian teacher and my apology is not enough to repair a fractured relationship (I’m not putting forth excuses– what I did was inexcusable. I’m merely explaining). In addition, in between admissions, discharges and teaching, my brain couldn’t keep up with the complicated grammar that we were slowly tackling. Last to go was Spanish– it was just impossible to keep awake and it was taking too much brain power to shift from Tagalog — English — Spanish — then back to English for when I engage with my students.
My brain couldn’t keep up anymore.
I liked that version of myself– the one that was always learning something new. Now, I barely have the capacity. And that scares me a little. I don’t want to become another person who says “I sTuDiED sPAnISH in hiGHschOoL so I Can UNdeRStaND… howlah!” and that’s the extent of what they know.
These days, I try to read books to keep my brain power up. Between work and teaching, my interactions with actual people whom I can learn from are very limited. Most days, if I’m not talking to a patient, I’m talking to a student. And frankly, as someone who’s more abstract than human, I feel like my brain is shrinking bit by bit by the lack of intellectual stimulation. So I read. Slowly but surely, I finished re-reading Animal Farm in 2 months. I’m now reading Fahrenheit 451 (Don’t argue with me– Montag is creepy at the very least.)
Despite of the constant exhaustion, I know I’m building something. I have students who trust me. I’m preparing for a sabbatical I’ve wanted for a long time. I’m investing in a life that I am not living yet.
But right now, it doesn’t feel exciting. It just feels… heavy.
Maybe this is just a phase. As Google Gemini and Chatgpt tell me: You are not late, you are building a life where the number of admissions doesn’t dictate your day.
Maybe this is what the in-between is supposed to feel like– not exciting, not fulfilling, just necessary.
(While I get my sanity together, enjoy this photo of the neighbor’s cat that likes to come up my apartment whenever.)
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